41 PRAYERS FOR MARILEE HOOPER
Marilee Hooper is a busy woman.
She takes care of a house that’s too big; she has two jobs; she fawns over an autistic dog; she has a needy husband; she has a needier father; she has a busy boy; she boards minor league baseball players and she’s anal retentive.
Marilee Hooper needs help. She needs Jesus’s help, but she does not have the time to sit down and compose prayers and, if her high-school essays are any indication, she is a lousy writer.
This book is the answer to Marilee Hooper’s prayers. It contains 41 ready-to-pray prayers for her on a range of topics that merit Jesus’s attention, from oatmeal to Herman Melville.
Jesus is waiting to hear from you, Marilee Hooper, especially your thoughts on oatmeal and Herman Melville.
A Prayer for Prayers
Dear Jesus,
Please make my prayers work.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Oatmeal Month (January)
Dear Jesus,
Please make oatmeal sexy.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Millard Fillmore’s Birthday (January 7)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t change my name to Millard.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Ferris Wheel Day (February 14)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t let me throw up on a Ferris wheel today.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Mental Retardation Awareness Month (March 1-31)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t make me a retard this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for the Anniversary of the Dred Scott Decision (March 5)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t make any more Dred Scott decisions.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for My Sister on Her Birthday (March 26)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t let my sister dunk on me.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for My Mother on Her Birthday (March 28)
Dear Jesus,
Please tell my mother to tell my father to chew with his mouth closed.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Keep America Beautiful Month (April 1-30)
Dear Jesus,
Please keep America beautiful this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Month (April 1-30)
Dear Jesus,
Please make me a grilled cheese sandwich this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Prevent Injuries America! Month (April 1-30)
Dear Jesus,
Please prevent me from being injured in America this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Lupus Alert Day (April 1)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t give me lupus today.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Reconciliation Day (April 2)
Dear Jesus,
Please help me reconcile with that fucking asshole today.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Me on My Birthday (April 8)
Dear Jesus,
Pick me.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for National Correct Posture Month (May 1-31)
Dear Jesus,
Please help me sit up straight this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Fireworks Eye Safety Month (June 1-30)
Dear Jesus,
Please protect my eyes from the leading causes of severe eye injury, such as fireworks, sports injuries and chemical burns this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Gay and Lesbian Pride Month (June 1-30)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t make me proud this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for West Virginia Admission Day (June 20)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t make me move to West Virginia.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Canada Day (July 1)
Dear Jesus,
Please explain Canada to me.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Henry David Thoreau’s Birthday (July 12)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t make me read Walden today.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for National Inventor’s Month (August 1-31)
Dear Jesus,
Please help me invent something big like the incandescent light bulb this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Herman Melville’s Birthday (August 1)
Dear Jesus,
Please make Moby Dick easier to read.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for My Husband on His Birthday (August 10)
Dear Jesus,
Please turn my husband into Johnny Depp for his birthday.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for National Chicken Month (September 1-30)
Dear Jesus,
Please make chicken Kiev for me this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for National Pediculosis Month (September 1-30)
Dear Jesus,
Please tell me what pediculosis is and don’t let me get it this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for My Son on His Birthday (September 6)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t let my son grow up to be Rafael Palmeiro or Adolf Hitler.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for American Business Women’s Day (September 22)
Dear Jesus,
Please recognize the important contributions more than 57 million American women, such as Marilee Hooper, have made and are continuing to make to this nation today.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for World Tourism Day (September 27)
Dear Jesus,
Please take me on a tour of the world and buy me some souvenirs today.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Dental Hygiene Month (October 1-31)
Dear Jesus,
Please brush my teeth for me this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for National Down Syndrome Month (October 1-31)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t give me Down Syndrome this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for John Lennon’s Birthday (October 9)
Dear Jesus,
Please give us back John and take Paul instead.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Disarmament Week (October 24-30)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t make me disarm during Disarmament Week.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for American Diabetes Month (November 1-30)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t make me an American with diabetes this month.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for My Father on His Birthday (November 9)
Dear Jesus,
Please make my father chew with his mouth closed.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for America Recycles Day (November 15)
Dear Jesus,
Please recycle today.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for the Anniversary of the Opening of the Suez Canal (November 17)
Dear Jesus,
Please give me the Suez Canal.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for the Anniversary of JFK’s Assassination (November 22)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t let me get assassinated today.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for Thanksgiving
Dear Jesus,
Please pass the gravy.
Thank you, Jesus.
Another Prayer for Thanksgiving
Dear Jesus,
Please pass the cranberry sauce.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for My Brother on His Birthday (December 7)
Dear Jesus,
Please don’t save my brother because of that time he hid my bed.
Thank you, Jesus.
A Prayer for the Nobel Prize Awards (December 10)
Dear Jesus,
Please let me win a Nobel Prize.
Thank you, Jesus.
Amen.