DEAR ALL-AGENCY EMAILERS WHO SEND ALL-AGENCY EMAILS ALL DAY

In an effort to simplify your lives that are no doubt swamped with the enormous responsibility that must come from sending out all-agency emails all day long either looking for or selling something, I thought I should let you know a few things about me.

I do not have a BlackBerry charger you can use because I don't have a BlackBerry. (This logic obviously applies to DROID and other non-iPhones as well.)

I have nothing for sale.

I have nothing I want to purchase. This includes but is not limited to: sewing machines, speakers, chairs, sofas, love seats, kitchen tables, kitchen appliances, dining room tables, end tables, large cans of paint, Blazer tickets, Winterhawks tickets, Ducks tickets, Ducks anything, cement blocks, cameras, camera mounts, cars, bicycles, motorcycles, bus passes, shoulder bags, coats, belts, suspenders, pants, shirts, socks, shoes, ready-to-eat food or food of any kind, 1954 Birkemeier ranches, 1953 Birkemeier ranches, 1952 Birkemeier ranches, 1951 Birkemeier ranches, 1950 Birkemeier ranches,1955 Birkemeier ranches, 1956 Birkemeier ranches, 1957 Birkemeier ranches, 1958 Birkemeier ranches, 1959 Birkemeier ranches, tools, used toddler beds, used single beds, used queen beds, used king beds, used beds of any kind, filing cabinets, cabinetry of any kind, shelving, lighting, ancient video game systems, anything conveniently located for sale at the 12 table, breast pumps and, especially, partially used gift cards.

(If I wanted any of these things, I would have already purchased them.) 

I know nothing about the Bulgarian educational system.

I speak only English. I used to speak Japanese, but that was a long time ago so I doubt I can help with any requests to translate anything Japanese.

I do not know the Travel department's after-hours phone number. I do know the Travel department is quite efficient, and it would behoove you to be exceedingly nice to them.

I do not know Marcin Mickiewicz's cell phone number. I do not even know who Marcin Markiewicz is. Hell, I don't even know how to pronounce his or her name.

I am not driving to SE Portland tonight or any other night. I do know two people who do drive there every day and night; they are called cabbies and bus drivers. 

I am not driving to NE Portland tonight or any other night. I do know two people who do drive there every day and night; they are called cabbies and bus drivers. 

I am not driving to SW Portland tonight or any other night. I do know two people who do drive there every day and night; they are called cabbies and bus drivers. 

I do live within walking distance of the agency. I would be happy to walk to any point between there and here with anybody.

I will also ride the elevators here with anybody. I usually ride the west elevators.

I have no recommendations for cellists. I also have no recommendations for anybody proficient in flutes, oboes, clarinets, bassoons, tubas, French horns, English horns, trumpets, timpanis, violins, piccolos, contrabassoons, trombones, snare drums, tenor drums, bass drums, cymbals, chimes, marimbas, celestas or harps. I do know Thomas Lauderdale and he is quite accomplished with the piano.

I do not have a glass eyeball you can borrow. I do not have a Jarvik heart, prosthetic leg or arm or any artificial organ you can borrow either.

I do not have any recommendations for any place to stay or eat in Arkansas or any other state.

I do not have any recommendations for any place to stay or eat in Europe or any other continent.

I do not have a brother who is a dentist. I don't care if your brother, sister, mother, father, aunt, uncle or second cousin twice removed is a dentist.

I do not have a sister who is a dentist. I don't care if your brother, sister, mother, father, aunt, uncle or second cousin twice removed is a dentist.

I do not need a dentist.

I do not have any contact solution. I do not have any eyeglasses. I had Lasik surgery years and years ago and would recommend my surgeon, but, since it was years and years ago, I cannot remember his name.

I do not have a password for AgencySpy or any other advertising website. I would recommend staying away from such websites; they tend to lead to bad advertising. 

I do not have an apartment to rent.

I do not have an apartment I want to rent.

I do not have any tickets for any upcoming concerts.

I do not want any tickets for any upcoming concerts.

I don't want a roommate.

You don't want me as a roommate.

I have no recommendations for a good contractor. I don't know if such an entity exists. If you would like a recommendation for a contractor who is not good and is very late and goes way over budget, I have quite a few recommendations.

I do not know where Fensler is, both physically and metaphysically.

I do not know where Jeff Williams is, both physically and metaphysically. 

I have not seen Brandon Pierce. If I saw Brandon Pierce I would not know I am seeing Brandon Pierce. 

I do not care if it is your dog's birthday. I do not care if it is your cat's birthday. I do not care if it is your fish's birthday. If it is your birthday: happy fucking birthday.

I have no pets for sale.

I do not want to buy a pet.

I, despite the exhortations of my daughter, do not have a pet.

Therefore, I have no veterinarian recommendations in SE, NE, SW or NW.

Nor do I have a leash or a pet toy you can borrow.

I have nothing I want to borrow.

I have nothing I want to lend.

I do not have a baby car seat you or any of your friends or relatives can borrow. It's been 17 years since I have had a baby in my life, not counting a handful of employees; therefore, I do not have any baby rattles, baby bottles, baby toys, baby blankets, baby cribs, baby diapers, baby books or recommendations for baby-friendly restaurants or baby dentists. 

I did not take your coffee cup.

Please, do not take my coffee cup. Trust me, you don't want my germs.

I do not have any recommendations for wedding photographers. I am divorced.

I am not going to the Nike Employee Store tonight or any other night. If I ever go to the Nike Employee Store (and I seldom do), it will be on a weekend. (See earlier bit about people who drive people anywhere at any time; they, again, are called cabbies and bus drivers.)

I don't like cake, regardless of what quad has some leftover from a party or a meeting. However, in spite of events at the 2010 Pie Toss event, please email me about free pie. I also like ice cream.

I don't know anyone who can make a cake in the likeness of any household appliance. I did, however, once have a baker make me a make-believe wedding cake for Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, and I called it art. Somebody else called it “a black hole sucking the life out of everything.” 

I don't like leftovers. I find eating cold, once-picked-over food somewhat disgusting. 

I have nothing a friend wants to sell.

I have nothing a friend wants to buy. I have been told, “You can never have enough friends.” I am fairly certain one way of never having enough friends is to constantly try to sell them things.

I do not care that Oregon has a new area code. 

I did not park in your parking spot. I did like that Seinfeld episode where George parked his father's car in the handicapped parking spot and had his father's car destroyed by irate un-handicapped defenders of handicapped parking spots.

I did not take your medium-to-smallish-sized cooking pot.

I did not take your medium-to-largish-sized cooking pot. 

I do like cooking. I find it very therapeutic. The Food Channel makes me want to throw up, but I watch it anyway, often while throwing up. Ironic.

Speaking of food, I did not eat your lunch. I would not eat anything in any of the refrigerators at W+K at any time.

I did not take your light off your orange and blue Masi. I don't know what a Masi is and my mother taught me never to steal orange and blue things.

I have not seen that movie yet.

I have not read that book yet.

Yes, I will reply to you only.

I do not have the latest issue of anything.

I do not have past issues of anything.

I did not find your keys.

I did not find your wallet. I don't like wallets; I find that they make you look like you have a goiter in an area where you don't want a goiter. 

I did not find your purse.

I did not find your sketchbook. I recently saw a sketch of an ad on a wall that was obviously put there by someone who knew nothing about advertising.

I did not find your water bottle, no matter its color. Also, if I had a pink water bottle, I would want to lose it.

I did not attend the holiday party; therefore, I didn't find anything you lost.

I did not find anything of yours. I have never found anything in my life. 

I have never been on a cruise of any kind. I will never go on a cruise of any kind, unless, of course, I join the Navy. 

I hope you find this makes your life easier. 

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. I still don't want to buy a partially used gift card. I would love to meet the person who would so I could laugh at them until I stopped laughing.

P.P.S. Please stop apologizing to me for your all-agency emails. Apologizing to me is like apologizing to Satan.