CAST OF CHARACTERS

Art Fool—artist considered grating, shallow and self-satisfied, aptly named Art Fool, gets hit on the head a lot. 

Protector of People of the Art—a somewhat sanctimonious, yet polite, well-armored and armed art critic, decidedly not fond of Art Fool’s work.

Art Historian—someone who knows something about the history of art, big words and complicated sentence structure; just so happens to be named Art Historian.

Marcel Proust—a very French writer.  What he’s doing in this play is anybody’s guess.

Georg Wilhem Friedrich Hegel—a very German philosopher.

Foodie—a big fan of Vermillion’s food, most likely an employee.

Robert Motherwell—abstract expressionist, likes black paint and turpentine.

Art Critic—art critic, conveniently named Art Critic, alleged proponent of Art Fool’s work.

Gail Gibson—gallery owner, displayer of Art Fool’s work.

Jim Dine—artist of, among other things, art things, bathrobes and hearts.

Jeff Koons—art superstar, devoted shopper.

Samuel Beckett—bleak playwright.

Chorus—there’s always a Chorus in these things.

THE STAGE

The stage is the Art Fool’s studio.  It is filled with art, presumably grating, shallow and self-satisfied, and unsold for a fact.

THE WARNING

This play contains words, actually written or imagined.

ACT ONE AND THE ONLY ONE

Oh, art is too hard.

--Andy Warhol

Open on Art Fool’s studio.  Art Fool sits in middle of it surrounded by his grating, shallow and self-satisfied art.

A Greek Chorus stands in the corner of the studio.  Doesn’t a Greek chorus stand in the corner of every studio?

Enter from on high, the Valkyrie Protector of People of the Art.  She is clad in Wagnerian armor and carries a hammer that would make Thor jealous.

Protector of People of the Art:  It is time for me to bring the hammer down!

Chorus:  The Protector of People of the Art is bringing the hammer down!

The Protector of People of the Art brings her hammer down on the Art Fool’s head.

Art Fool:  Ouch.

Chorus:  The Protector of People of the Art’s hammer hurts!

Art Fool:  You’re telling me.

Protector of People of the Art:  I’m sorry to be so rude.

Chorus:  The Protector of People of the Art is rude, yet politely apologetic!

Protector of People of the Art (surveying the work in Art Fool’s studio):  Fool is grating!

Chorus:  Ouch!

Protector of People of the Art (surveying the work in Art Fool’s studio):  Fool is shallow!

Chorus:  Ouch!

Protector of People of the Art (surveying the work in Art Fool’s studio):  Fool is self-satisfied!

Chorus: Ouch!

Protector of People of the Art hits Art Fool on his head with her hammer again.

Art Fool:  Ouch.

Protector of People of the Art:  You, Art, are a fool!

Chorus:  Fool!

Art Fool:  I’m a Fool; what did you expect? 

Chorus:  Clever! 

Protector of People of the Art:  Why on earth is this Foolish stuff getting so much play?

Chorus:  Why?

Protector of People of the Art:  Is it because art flirting with advertising is risky?

Chorus:  Risky!

Protector of People of the Art:  Is it because it is post-ironic?

Chorus:  Post-ironic!

Protector of People of the Art:  Is it because it is fun?

Chorus:  Fun!

Protector of People of the Art:  NO!

Art Fool:  No?

Chorus:  No?

Protector of People of the Art:  NO!

Chorus:  No!

Protector of People of the Art:  It’s old!

Chorus:  Old!

Protector of People of the Art:  Dull!

Chorus:  Dull!

Protector of People of the Art:  And cynical!

Chorus:  Cynical!

Protector of People of the Art:  Bleh!

Chorus:  Bl…is bleh a word?

Proust enters on a giant pen.  He rides it like a horse.  

Chorus:  It’s Proust!  He’s a writer!

Proust:  Yes, bleh is a word.   

Protector of People of the Art:  Bleh! 

Chorus:  Bleh!

Proust:  Bleh!

Protector of People of the Art (clutching her heart):  It sort of hurts.

The Protector of People of the Art half-heartedly hits Art Fool on the head.

Art Fool:  Ouch.

Protector of People of the Art:  Art Fool, you seem like a fine fellow on email and I, Protector of People of the Art, fear your response.

Chorus:  R-S-V-P!  R-S-V-P!  R-S-V-P!

Enter Art Historian.  He enters on a chair made of art history books.  

Chorus:  It’s Art Historian!  He knows his art history!

Art Historian:  Allow me, Protector of People of the Art, to pontificate with you on behalf of Art Fool because I know bigger words than him.

Protector of People of the Art:  Pontification accepted, Art Historian!

Chorus:  Art fight!

Art Historian:  Art about art is nothing new.

Protector of People of the Art:  I know that, I am the Protector of People of the Art!

Chorus:  The Protector of People of the Art knows art about art is nothing new!

Art Historian:  Throughout art history, artists have begged, borrowed and stole from other art.

Protector of People of the Art:  I know that, I am the Protector of People of the Art!

Chorus:  The Protector of People of the Art knows throughout art history, artists have begged, borrowed and stole from other art!

Art Historian:  Then, as Protector of People of the Art, you know sometimes the content, sometimes the style, sometimes both, of earlier works of art is integrated into new works of art that comment, critically or satirically, on the art that provided the point of departure.

Protector of People of the Art:  I know that, I am the Protector of People of the Art!

Chorus:  You know a lot of things when you’re Protector of People of the Art!

Art Historian:  Then Protector of People of the Art, of course, knows there are many reasons artists borrow from art.  Art is always about art, and art history is a cumulative progression of what has come before.

Enter Philosopher Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel sitting at a lectern.

Chorus:  Give it up for famous and obtuse philosopher George Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel!

Hegel:  Art, like mind or spirit, manifests itself in a set of contradictions and oppositions that ultimately become integrated and united, such as those between nature and freedom, immanence and transcendence, without eliminating either opposite or reducing one to the other.

Chorus (confused):  Uh…what he said!

Protector of the People of the Art (changing the subject):  I hear Vermillion has lovely food and drink!

Enter Foodie.  He’s eating and only speaks with his mouth full.

Foodie:  Their prices on small bites are fantastic!  The beets were delicious, along with the salamis and cheeses.

Chorus:  This tragedy is making us hungry!

Art Historian: No doubt Protector of People of the Art knows artists have an interest in knowledge of art—it’s part of what makes them artists—and they draw on this knowledge as readily as they draw on any other experience that influences their art.  Robert Motherwell said…

Enter Robert Motherwell at his easel.

Motherwell:  Every intelligent painter carries the whole culture of modern painting in his head.  It is his real subject, of which everything he paints is both an homage and a critique.

Chorus:  Every intelligent painter carries the whole culture of modern painting in his head.  It is his real subject, of which everything he paints is both homage and a critique!

Protector of People of the Art:  I know that, I am Protector of People of the Art.

Chorus:  You know things when you’re Protector of People of the Art!

Motherwell:  Then Protector of People of the Art knows I was born in Aberdeen, Washington and my greatest contribution to art history was to use the staging of my work to convey to the viewer the mental and physical engagement of the artist with the canvas and I was married to Helen Frankenthaler. 

Protector of People of the Art:  I know that, I am Protector of People of the Art.

Chorus:  We saw Motherwell and Frankenthaler sitting in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love

Then comes baby abstract expressionist in a carriage!

Art Historian:  Surely Protector of People of the Art knows more times than not the borrowing of previous art is direct…

Chorus:  Direct!

Art Historian:  …undisguised…

Chorus:  Undisguised!

Art Historian:  …and unapologetic…

Chorus:  Unapologetic!

Art Historian:  …often displaying insolent humor…

Chorus:  Insolent humor!

Art Historian:  …satire…

Chorus:  Satire!

Art Historian:  …and parody.

Chorus:  Parody!

Protector of People of the Art:  I know that, I am Protector of People of the Art.

Chorus:  You know a lot of things when you’re the Protector of People of the Art! 

Art Fool:  Why is Proust here?  I have no idea what anybody is talking about.  My head still hurts.  Some collectors like my grating, shallow and self-satisfied art.  Some critics too.

Protector of People of the Art (crestfallen):  Then, alas, the Protector of People of the Art has failed to protect those people of the art.

Enter Art Critic.  A Hello My Name is ART CRITIC sticker on his lapel identifies himself as such.

Chorus:  It’s Art Critic!  He conveniently just so happens to be an art critic!

Art Critic (mock anointing Art Fool):  I dub him King of the Iconoclasts!

Protector of People of the Art (she anoints Art Fool on his head with her hammer):  I dub him King Shallowness I!

Art Fool:  Ouch!

Art Critic:  I enjoy Fool’s tongue-in-cheek swipes at familiar or beloved icons using photographs of elaborately set-up dolls, toys, plastic food and anything else he can find.

Protector of People of the Art (impressed by her wit):  I suggest he find another career! 

Chorus:  Ouch!

Art Critic:  It is no stretch for a Fool to make art about art using…

Chorus:  Elaborately set-up dolls!

Art Critic:  Toys!

Chorus:  Plastic food!

Art Critic:  …and anything else he can find!

Protector of People of the Art (impressed by her wit):  I suggest he find another career!

Art Critic:  You already used that line.

Enter Gail Gibson, gallery owner displaying Grating, Shallow and Self-Satisfied Artist’s work.

Chorus:  It’s Gail Gibson, owner of the G. Gibson Gallery on 300 S. Washington, open Tuesday through Saturday, 10:30 to 5 or by appointment!

G:  Why is the Protector of People of the Art so cranky about this Fool’s work?  It’s fun, contains historical reference and sells well to collectors.

Chorus:  Cat fight!

Protector of People of the Art:  It is disallowed to parody artists who parodied the art world!

G: You know I love you, Protector of People of the Art, but interpreting Warhol’s Flowers with Easter basket grass and cheap floral-patterned plates is a viable exercise in art about art for an artist who makes art from “anything else he can find.”

Protector of People of the Art (impressed by her wit): I suggest he find another career!

G:  You already used that line.

Chorus:  C-c-c-c-c-c-cat fight!

Art Historian:  Furthermore, Protector of People of the Art, artists often also make art about their materials and other artists.

Protector of People of the Art:  I know that, I’m Protector of People of the Art.

Chorus:  You know a lot of things when you’re the Protector of People of the Art

Enter Jim Dine in a representation of his studio.  

Chorus:  It’s Jim Dine.  He’s a famous artist!

Dine:  More than popular images, I’m interested in personal images, in making paintings about my studio, my experience as a painter, about painting itself, about color charts, the palette, about elements of the realistic landscape—but used differently.

Chorus:  Ergo…

Art Historian:  Ergo, if an artist who makes art from “anything else he can find” were to do a portrait of, say, artist Jeff Koons he just may do said portrait from the source material Koons himself finds in the aisles of a well-stocked retailer.

Hegel re-enters.

Hegel:  That sounds logical to me and I’m a famous philosopher.

Enter Jeff Koons with a shopping cart full of his source materials.

Koons:  I’m Jeff Koons and I’ll buy that, especially from an artist who makes art from “anything else he can find!”

Protector of People of the Art:  I suggest he find another career!

Chorus, Fool, Proust, Historian, Hegel, Foodie, Motherwell, Critic, Dine, Gibson and Koons:  You’ve already used that line!

Protector of People of the Art (defiantly):  I suggest again and again and again ad infinitium he find another career!

Enter playwright Samuel Beckett.

Beckett:  Just as long it’s not playwriting!

Art Fool:  Ouch!

END